I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All I want is dick and wine.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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