dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
