I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
