OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
