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I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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