I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
