There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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