The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
