I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
