i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
