I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
