I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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