You can't special order awesome
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
