clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
