If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
