btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
