woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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