I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
porn star boner night. come get it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
