I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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