I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
