whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Randomize
