No stitches, just platelets and will power
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize