Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I am spending my child support on dildos
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
