it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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