my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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