do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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