I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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