I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
