When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
