I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
