it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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