I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
