he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's get the cat blown out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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