Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
