I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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