if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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