There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
