i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
