I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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