Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
