i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
