wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
