Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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