I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
