I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize