I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
