I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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