her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
