I just cut my nipple shaving
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
