On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
