I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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