I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
