I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
