ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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