She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
