im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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