im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
