Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
