So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
