I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize