Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
