I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
