I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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