I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
