just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
